Marriage by choice

Marriage by choice

 

After 3 recent engagements went bust amidst kinsfolks, all three being called off by the girls – I have begun to ponder if the concept of arranged marriages preceded by an elaborate engagement is endangered. This thought takes me to instant flash back.

 

I can’t but help to remind myself and those around me, about my maternal grandfather. The grand old man went on to live for nearly 90 years and was a gifted man. He had the knack of matching his oratory skills and content based on his audience. I had the good fortune to spend 50 months of my college days with him, he was a fearless man with a sense of achievement. His list of achievements always began with his wedding. He was married to my grandmother at his age of 17, while the granny was 10. Child marriages are taboo today but a norm in early 1900s. It was a classical arranged marriage in which the old man apparently saw his lady love only after a couple of years and that too on their wedding night. No courtship what so ever, but Grand pa loved grand ma till the last day of their lives.

 

Moving a little ahead, I recall hearing from aunts, uncles and my parents about their journey and how it began. It was a perfect 1960’s arranged marriage, parents met first, agree upon the dates and other modalities. The children then began writing to each other, somewhere down the line love blossomed and marriages solemnized. Indian postal system working at its peak. My grandparents never discouraged my parents from writing to each other before wedding; maybe they were happy to allow this. My parents love each other to this day.

 

Cut to my own experience, I refuse to call my wedding an arranged wedding. This is how it unfolded – parents met and could not agree upon several things. However during that meeting I was present and insisted on speaking alone to the girl, hardly any resistance –in the next few minutes - I was talking to my could be wife, I did try to wit her or maybe flirt a little too. I liked her and she liked me, we continued to talk to each other and gradually our parents buried the differences. Engagement was fixed, rings were exchanged and lots of phone calls and letters  later, we got married. This is probably 4 leap years ago.

 

So I would guess you have noticed generational progress that my DNA and hormones have made. It would be safe to say that in the past 15 years or so, the middle class has become more open to love marriages, marriages cutting across states, languages and culture. One would still raise an eyebrow if the religion barrier or the caste barrier is broken but it is no longer unacceptable. Parents are willing to mute themselves if they find their offspring is in pursuit of a mate. Middle class has become more open and that is probably why they are becoming less bothered about their immediate society. They are willing to listen to their girls and also listen to their flip flops. They are open to elaborate engagements and they are also open to allowing their girls to call it off.

 

So is this good or bad? I would argue this is good. Who gains from this and who loses? The people who lose or who will eventually lose are those who are not gifted with courtship skills. Courtship skills are necessarily a function of Looks, skills (read education or other skills) and money. The proportion can vary but all three are mandatory. The best in the market will find their corresponding best and rest will have to settle down for the rest and that too their parents will have to help in courtship, Aka arranged marriages.

 

Let me repeat myself with a different set of words, I strongly believe that in today’s modern world (cutting across urban and rural), it is best left to the boy and girl to find a match for themselves. If this responsibility still lies on the shoulders of the parents then there is a cause of concern. The society is rapidly changing and we better change with it.